Morning routine

In the morning when I get up, the first thing I like to do is take care of hygienic needs  like showering, shaving, brushing my tooth and cleaning the blood stains off the walls. 

Once I am minty fresh and Pine Sol clean, I like to go downstairs,  put the kettle on and let it boil until it screams so loud I can hardly hear the screams in my head. 

At this point, I like to contemplate the day before me by skimming through my agenda, taking note of any important meetings I have (none) and calling my therapist to ask her if I am cured yet. If the voice on the other line says "Hello Pizza Hut. What will your order be today?" I hang up right away. For the life of me, I don't know why my therapist has moved her office to a pizza parlor. Maybe she's having money problems. Wait a second! Who cares about her problems anyways? Isn't she supposed to be helping me with my problems?  I mean, come on, be professional for once in your life!

Next, if I am in a good mood, I usually like to let my 'girlfriend' out of the trunk so she can scurry off, freshen up and call the police. That's when I leave town and start anew in another city. 

This is the routine I follow every day except for Tuesday mornings when I will stick my buttocks out of the front window and scream Italian curse words at the people passing by.  I had always wanted to be a linguistics teacher but because of national gun laws that dream died pretty fast. This way I can still fulfill my need to educate folks without pants.