Am not

When people ask me who I am, I always answer by telling them who I am not. For example, I often say I am not a woman. Despite my large, saggy breasts, occasional bouts with PMS and love of high heels, I am definitely a guy because I like to drink beer. And I'll fight anyone at the drop of a hat. I find flatulence funny too.

I am also not a priest, even though I wear a black robe and carry a cross around my neck. This outfit keeps me safe from vampires. Once, when I was hiking in the woods, I saw one coming my way. I had a sneaking suspicion he was going to bite my neck so I stabbed him to death with the cross. The police said he was a local farmer looking for his dog, but what do they know? Where they there? I took his wallet because there was no sense in wasting all that money. It wasn't like he was going to spend it or something. For the record, I gave it all to a local charity. Or maybe it was Hooters, the details are fuzzy now. 

One other thing I am not is a tramp. Sure I wear heavy make-up, slutty clothes and I like to hang out on street corners, but that doesn't make me cheap. The other night a guy came up to me and asked me how much for a "ride" around the block.  A ride around the block? I just looked him in the eyes and said, "Listen mister, I don't know what you're thinking here but I suggest you just move along." Because I may be a lot of things but I'm definitely not a taxi cab.