Image is everything

One of the things I like to do to let industry people know I am a "real" writer is go to hotel bars and drink myself into a blackout. This is my way of letting publishers know I am just like illustrious authors from the past who enjoyed liver damage and bleeding ulcers. 

Admittedly, I could never drink as much as Ernest Hemingway or Hunter S. Thompson because my Father once told me I was born with something called ballerina's liver. Although he never did explain it to me in layman's terms, I think it has something to do with the fact that after a beer and a half I often sashay around the lobby like Baryshnikov in ankle cuffs. 

If Mr.Vomit has not appeared on the shoes below me, I will tilt my head upwards and cradle my chin in one hand to let interested patrons know I am toying with something called "thought." Then, I will deliberately lower my head and cradle my forehead in one hand to let people know it was not "thought" I was thinking about - it was the absence of thought I had engaged in. This concept of thinking about thoughts that are not there to be thought of sounds intellectual even though I'm not sure what it means or what I meant to say. 

It is important to state that I always wear black nylon socks during these publicity events to let any interested publishers know I mean business. And since I am naked from the waist down, I am free of the restrictions caused by too much fabric and therefore less likely to spit on my legs and fan my anus* with a rolled-up newspaper - something I am told is distracting during intense negotiations or light lunches on the terrace.

* AUTHOR'S NOTE: Regular readers of My Penis & other short pieces will be interested in knowing that this is the first time I have ever used the word 'anus' in one of my essays. If all goes well and the response is positive, I have an inkling** the word will be making a comeback real soon.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Regular readers of My Penis & other short pieces will be interested to know that this is the first time I have ever used the word 'inkling' in one of my author's notes. According to the Guidelines of English Word Usage (Strunk & Whyte, 2008), if a writer uses this word more than three times he is gay so I officially announce it's retirement from this blog right now.