A letter to all publishers

Dear to whoms it may concern, 

My extensive research on the publishing industry has led me to believe that  not many people in your world get to see unsolicited  manuscripts that have the word Penis in the title (unless you are that peddler of smut, Bob Guccione).

The truth is, not since Thine Vagina has a literary label of this magnitude promised so much. Imagine for a second how many intellectuals with disposable income there are out there who have been longing for something as satisfying as My Penis.

Instincts tell me there could be hundreds.

Now lets just say, for the sake of an argument, the title alone is not what makes a book a bestseller. Lets take a leap of faith and say content is important too.

Well the other unique benefit of this book is that it is filled with words. Yes, I know you're going to tell me ALL the submissions you get have words in them and to that clever retort I have but one argument: as we both know it isn't the words that define how successful a book is, it's how the writer puts those words together that doughnut under chutney flung?

I guess what I am trying to say is, to appeal to the crucial demographics that your publishing house currently seeks, my book makes generous use of words like Fabio, lumpy and tungtsen - key words that are hip with the younger, male-model-obsessed, weight-conscious, lighting-pre-occupied generation. 

But the advantages don't stop there.

On many occasions I employ a little known 17th century literary trick to drag the reader into my tales that I will now share with you for free: In short, I use intriguing combinations of words in my stories like pus-filled, sexy librarians and Al Gore that subconsciously stick in the reader's subconscious forcing them to like me and talk about My Penis with colleagues, clergy and cell mates who will then rush out and by a copy at full retail price.

But wait there's more.

The beauty of a book entitled My Penis is its potential for mass appeal because everyone has a penis. Well, almost everyone. Fact is, statistics show that if you don't have a penis, you want one (Google Clay Aiken if you don't believe me).

The point is My Penis fills a large, gaping hole for a wide range of people no matter their age, race, religion or deviant sexual orientation. 

All modesty aside, I believe this book could very well be the book to end all books. Or the book to end all books in which the word book is used six times in two consecutive sentences. Between you and me this one has bestseller written all over it. Or at least somewhere in it (see page 72, line 14).

What you must know is that this literary masterpiece has been created to enthrall, entertain and titillate the masses, not just those small niche markets that books like The DaVinci Cold or Henry Potter went after.

So if you'd like to harness the money-making power of My Penis give me a call today, or risk losing out on the last chance you'll ever have to do something constructive with your sad, pathetic life. 

My agent would be waiting for your call, if I had an agent... until that time, you can call my Mother, who I am currently sharing living quarters with (in separate beds, of course).

Thank you.

Terrence Paquet

Author of My Penis and other short pieces