Bored

Sometimes when I am bored I like to lie on the grass in the park and watch the clouds roll by. I pass the time looking for familiar shapes in the puffy condensed water vapor above me and let my imagination run wild. 

If it is a rainy day and I am bored, I like to don a ski mask and walk into a bank from a nearby city. I like to let my imagination run wild there also, by telling customers and staff that I am a modern-day Robin Hood who is taking all their money and jewellery to feed the poor. Even though I would never give anything to those lazy welfare recipients, I take comfort in the fact that everyone in the bank feels good because they 'think' they are giving their cash and valuables to a special cause.  This makes me feel important, knowing that I changed someone's life with a kind gesture, profanity-laced threat and sawed-off shotgun.

If I am still bored after I have counted my 'lottery winnings',  then I like to go the orphanage down the street and laugh at the kids who have no parents. Especially the adult ones who don't stand a chance of ever finding a real family. 

If I am still bored after they have beaten the crap out of me, I like to go down to the local Hooters to apply for a job as 'Hooter Buffer'. Between you and me, I know there is no such job, but I enjoy watching the look on the faces of the girls as I approach them with a bucket of warm urine (not mine) and a soggy chamois* (also not mine). 

It is one of those other times when I like to let my imagination run wild. Just before the police come.

*Publisher's Note: This is the first time the words 'soggy chamois' have ever been used in a piece of published literature. The only other documented use of this term was in a second-season episode of the A-Team when B.A. Baracus (Mr. T) threatened to scrub off Murdock's' face with a soggy chamois. This exciting first in the literary world is certain to earn attention from the good folks in charge of handing out the Nobel Prizes every year. Keep your fingers crossed!