Man seeks woman

Man seeks woman. Must be a real woman. Not a blow-up woman, a cardboard cut-out woman, or a reasonable facsimile of a woman. Only real women need apply. 

Please do not respond if you are a man posing as a woman. A man who feels like a woman inside, or a man who has always wanted to be a woman. Especially you, Joe. Not interested. 

Must not have facial hair, back hair or hair of any kind anywhere. Hair on head is a must though. Must not have big, muscular arms or legs either - slender extremities only. 

Must not have a penis, own a penis or lease a penis in any way, shape or form. Must not want to have a penis surgically added in the future either. Women must not say they don't have a penis and then surprise me later, when we're on a date or something. That is wrong and deceptive.

Must not drive truck, cab or bus. Must not know how to spit, burp or pass gas. If the latter has been experienced, must not take pleasure in it and laugh when it happens. That means you are a man and well, like I said, I am looking for a woman. 

Must love walks on beach in the moonlight but not because you want to dump a body in the ocean and you need someone to help you carry it. That means you are a man, a mad man. 

Must not have killed anyone. Nor is planning on killing anyone in the future, either on purpose or by accident. Must not be a cannibal either because eating people is the same as killing them.

Must love children and dogs. But not in that way. What is wrong with you? You are sick for even thinking that. Please do not apply if that thought crossed your mind. 

Please do not apply also if you are looking for a job, a kitten or spare car parts. I do not have any of those things. I am just looking for a woman.  

If you are a woman and you think you look like Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie or Heidi Klum, move along. You do not look like any of those women. You are a delusional. Must not be delusional. 

Interested women can contact me. All others can look elsewhere. That means you, men. I have no interest in you.