Down with squirrels

I have noticed that very few people on Facebook have squirrels for friends. 

I'm generalizing here, but I suspect this is partly due to the fact that all the squirrels I've met are bastards. And the rest are somewhat reclusive with limited social skills. I'd even go so far as to say that, unless pressed or caged, they will only associate with their own kind which, between you and me, makes them racist.

Of course, their limited appearance on the Internet giant might also be attributed to the fact that they have rabies too. This makes them unpredictable to hang out with. One minute you're playing Battleship - the next you're bleeding from the neck and foaming at the mouth.  

Who wants a friend like that?

I once dated a squirrel for three months but it didn't work out because all she wanted to do was bury nuts (not mine). In all fairness to Elizabeth, it was fun in the early days but the novelty quickly wore off. Plus our families never really got along mostly because my Mother wasn't agile enough to climb the tree where we lived. 85-year-olds are funny like that.

I suspect one more reason  for their lack of world wide web friends could have to do with Facebook's strict No Rodent policy. Although I know for a fact squirrels don't give a damn about rules. I had a sign on my fence last summer that read "Attention Squirrels! Please Do Not Sit on my Lawn Chairs. Or else!" Despite the warning, they would just lounge there all day long, grooming themselves and fornicating. They didn't give a damn.

And that, in a nutshell, is the problem. 

So I ask you: if they don't care about us, why should we care about them?