The helpful writer

Now that the promotion of my book is in full swing, I am trying to get my name out there as much as possible to increase my celebrity quotient rating. Therefore, when I walk into local stores, fertility clinics and donut shops, I have begun a tradition in which I drop my trousers then holler my name and profession in an Italian accent. 

Not only does this help society's most important decision makers remember me, it lets them know they are in the presence of someone unique because of my foreign-sounding  enunciation and croissant-shaped testicle. 

This revolutionary style of connecting with the masses also has the added benefit of putting patrons at ease knowing that, if they were at a loss for words or needed a better way to describe something, they could just ask me, a generous writer who is only too happy to help. 

Why, if the timing were good and my testosterone levels were right, I might even throw in a free sperm sample too.

For those who have problems writing or spoking English, I imagine it would be reassuring to know there is a professional writer in the neighboring gurney who can provide them with a beautiful adjective or eloquent verb they can use to flower their conversation or make better their parole application. 

Currently, I am particularly fond of intelligent-sounding words like Zamfir, shank, diddle, areola, ringworm and pneumonoultramicroscopicsillicovolcanoconioses, although I am not sure what they mean or how to use them in a sentence yet.

I'll zamfir with it for awhile and get back to you.

Shank you very much.