A few important career moves

I think if I want to be taken seriously as a writer I need to start thinking about my memoirs. 

Unfortunately, if I were to write one now it would be filled with stories of the days I spend at the park performing Tai Chi, admiring the fauna and flora, and masturbating on park benches. 

Compelling material, but not really "Hollywood" enough.

That's why I have decided to spend the next little while drinking excessively, lashing out at paparazzi and experimenting with various types of over-the-counter laxatives to beef up the chapters. 

I also plan to play with my weight so it fluctuates wildly in the hopes of scoring an endorsement deal with Jenny Craig. Or Dunkin Donuts if it doesn't fluctuate.

 

I will also look for Hollywood stars that I can sleep with as this is the kind of thing that readers devour. I'm thinking of seducing Angela Lansbury or fornicating one of the Golden Girls if they're still alive. That'll go over big with the aging Boomer market.

Finally, in keeping with the current trends of celebrity life, I will adopt an immigrant but it won't be a child because studies show they have poor bladder control and can be whiny.  I was thinking an Oriental girl around the ages of 23 to 26 would fit better with my lifestyle.

 If you have any ideas, let me know. I'm open to suggestions.