It has been some time since we last spoke (telepathically) and I just wanted to check in with you to make sure everything is fine.
I must say I am so excited about my upcoming appearance on your show (whenever you're ready!) that I have soiled the trousers I am wearing three times. Not to worry though as they do not belong to me - FREE when you work at McDonalds.
The reason for my correspondence is two-fold: I was thinking of moving to Chicago and I was wondering if you could tell me which neighborhoods are good. I am looking for an area with lots of green space, a well-stocked library, some schools, a few choice coffee shops and easy access to the local whores.
I understand that the housing situation is crazy right now, so if it's alright with you, I might have to stay at your place until I can find adequate lodging. I should tell you that I have been diagnosed with a feeble sphincter but it shouldn't be too much of a problem as long as you can provide me with extra sheets and thick towels you no longer have use for. A large supply of antiseptic wipes would be nice too. I can bring my own air freshener.
Let me know as I plan on being in your area next week.
My second question may seem a little strange but I was invited to the Annual Chicken Fry for former Inmates of the Illinois Department of Corrections (pyromaniac section) and I was wondering if you would be my date for the evening. The boys would really get a kick out of seeing me walk through the doors with you in a gunny sack.
I realize this may cause some problems with Steadman so I'd be willing to talk to him if you want. If he's into it, I can set him up with Nancy, the sweetest guy I've ever known and my cellmate for three years. I think they'd make a nice couple. Who knows, if all goes well maybe we can watch each other have sex.
Or not.
Anyways, let me now. I can be reached at the McDonalds on Northway Drive tomorrow 'til 5. It's in the phone book.
Regards
Terrence Paquet
Author of My Penis & other short stories
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