Style King

This morning I woke up and realized that the paparazzi had installed themselves across the street from my trailer home. They were disguised astwo guys in a pick-up truck drinking beer. Although I have been expecting them for some time now, their presence had posed a fashion dilemma for me because I ran out of clean bolo ties last night. 

As one who thoroughly understands the importance of fashion in our celebrity-obsessed culture, I knew I needed a combination of clothes that would convey my serious side as a writer and still show them that my years of incarceration and therapy have not made me bitter or delusional. 

For the record, I chose an orange-colored head scarf which I wrapped around my arm as a symbolic gesture to show my support of Home Depot's low price guarantee.  I had also taped a tin pie plate to my head which brings to mind things like America, apple pie and wholesome - this accessory is certain to earn me points with pie-eating Americans - a much-coveted market for publishers and advertisers.

Finally, in the spirit of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton I decided to forego the underwear. However, I still felt the need to protect my genitals from the harmful effects of UV rays and flash bulbs so I covered myself with an old Burger King puppet.

I am hoping this clever move will lead to some kind of endorsement deal, so if there are any representatives from the 'Home of the Whopper' reading this, feel free to contact me.