Call me Keiko

In my three-tiered quest to build the brand of "Penis", help underprivileged children around the world and support my crack habit, I have come to the realization that I should be a little more exotic if I am to take advantage of the cash-rich immigrant market. 

My instincts tell me that these people will not be very inclined to buy a book written by a middle-aged white man no matter how good a writer I know I are. 

Therefore I have decided to change my identity to a 25 year old Japanese woman - a more appealing persona that is certain to earn me respect from the masses and get attention from the Japanese-loving producers of Oprah. 

To begin my transformation I have requested that all of my family members now  call me "Keiko Natsuki" which I am told by reliable sources means hung like a church mouse. 

I have also changed my work ethic from one hour of drunken, rambling, free-form scribbling in the morning to 23 hours of non-stop labor with no bathroom breaks. (The people from the  Guinness Book of World Records should be calling any day now.)

For visual effect, I have started wearing a silky kimono - a more comfortable alternative to my usual uniform of Saran Wrap pants and Garden Gnome party hat. An added benefit of this fashion shift has been the discovery of breezy updrafts on the genitals.  

If this new writer look doesn't work, I have a Gondolier's hat and fake mustache waiting in the wings. After all, how many many famous Venetian writers are there?