No comment

At this time, I have no comment. 

Please do not ask me anything about this matter, because the whole story is a non-story as far as I am concerned. I will not be answering questions from the media at this time.

For the sake and dignity of all parties, I have chosen to remain silent on this matter. I will say that it is no one's business what I was doing with the hippopotamus, so, like I said before, no comment. 

It is important to state that this is a private and personal matter between me, my wife and the San Diego Zoo. I only ask that you respect my family's privacy, the hippo's privacy and the privacy of the gorilla that was watching us in the neighboring cage. I would, however, like to apologize to the Grade Two class of the Garden Oaks Elementary School for any misunderstanding I may have caused. It was not what you thought.

I have no other comment to make. I will only say at this time that the pictures in yesterday's paper do not accurately reflect the complete story. Regardless of what I was doing or not doing, the hippo was not in any pain as the angle of that shot may have led readers to believe.  I am also much better looking in person.

At this time, I just want to be left alone to deal with this matter properly, so I have no further comments to make. It is important to state, however, that the goat costume I was wearing did not belong to me. In fact, I do not know how I ended up wearing it. This is as much a mystery to me as it is to you. 

I also have no comment to make on the large quantities of Hippopotamus lubricating jelly found in my trunk. I do not know how that ended up there, so no comment. I will say that I lent the car to my neighbor, Ray, the day before so maybe he had something to do with it. If it helps any, Ray has a criminal record so maybe you should be asking him questions. Ray also likes to sleep with prostitutes and cheated on his taxes last year, so don't be so quick to judge me, when there are others who should be looked at more closely.

I guess what I am trying to say here is I have no comment. 

Thank you for understanding.