Helping Oprah

In anticipation of my upcoming appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show (date to be confirmed when Oprah acknowledges my existence and I am released from penitentiary) I have decided that I would like to make her job a little easier. 

As many of the big celebrities in Hollywood do, I have compiled a list of questions she can ask me during our interview.  

As you'll soon see the objective is to showcase my palpable wit and burgeoning intelligence to the thousands of Cougars who watch her show every day. The hope is that it will lead to massive book sales, a teary reunion with my long-lost brother (currently a hobo) or a wedding proposal from Heidi Klum. If I can achieve just one of those then my pre-planning will be justified. 

QUESTIONS FOR OPRAH TO ASK ME:

1.

First of all, welcome to the show. I just want you to know how much Steadman and I loooooove My Penis. It's the last thing we enjoy before we go to bed. What's it like to be worshipped by so many Americans?

NOTE: This is where I thank her and Steadman, give my witty answer and maybe even jump on her couch and profess my love for Angela Lansbury in public. When the audience calms down, Oprah will ask:

2.

How long have you been working on My Penis?

NOTE: Between you and me the whole book took three days to write, but I'm going to tell her 7 years to make her think I am perspicacious (whatever that means??). 

At this point in the show, I suggest that we break for a commercial so Oprah can have her make-up adjusted and I can have my testicles feather-dusted with Chinese talcum powder. 

We will return from the break with this show stopper:

3.

How long have you worn a nipple clamp?

NOTE: Between you and me the answer is 7 years, but I will tell her three days to make her think I am impetuous.

After a long, uncomfortable, uneasy, deafening silence, Oprah will ask me this gem:

4.

Why are you stalking me?

NOTE: Even though I scripted this question, I will wait until the words leave Oprah's lips before I even think about the answer. I may jump on the couch again and profess my love for Emmanuel Lewis but I'll wait and see if the audience is warming up to me or not.

Finally, in a cunning attempt to boost her ratings, Ms. Winfrey will ask me this final question:

5.

You have to be the finest white boy I have ever set my eyes on, will you marry me?

NOTE: Of course I won't tell you what the answer is, but I will probably show her my ass tattoo to let her know exactly what she has in store "if" I decide to go ahead with the wedding.

Stay tuned!